A City on the Move...Toward Retardation

Hey Wussies, Turn in your guns and get a free flu shot! 

That's right, you heard me, "simply locate a firearm that might protect you from violent crime or even a runaway criminal government someday, and you bring it to the police department. Then they destroy your gun and in return for this, they assault you with mercury-laced vaccines and call it even..."

Read the more about this amazing opportunity here:
http://www.telegram.com/article/20121130/NEWS/121139964/1116
 
http://www.naturalnews.com/038187_gun_buyback_flu_shot_Massachesetts.html

Home Town in the Spotlight Again

Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery

WORCESTER, MA—Residents of Worcester's Grafton Hill neighborhood acknowledged Monday they would not necessarily mind a Panera Bread franchise coming in and wiping out Callahan's, a charming, family-run bakery that has been a fixture of their community since 1964.

According to locals, the national restaurant chain would be just the thing to run the mom-and-pop establishment out of business, replacing Callahan's genuinely warm, welcoming atmosphere with the kind of impersonal, hassle-free cafe experience they have long desired.
"Callahan's really is lovely and all, but every time I'm in there I get roped into a 10-minute conversation about what's going on in the neighborhood, or the history of some recipe that's been in their family for generations," said patron Catherine New, 33, who told reporters the friendly older couple who owns the shop is always there, apparently working from open to close every single day. "It would be such a relief to walk in somewhere and have some disinterested college-age kid take my order without even making eye contact."

"They're nice at Callahan's, but they don't seem to get that this is only a business transaction," New continued. "I just want a cup of coffee. We're not friends."

A recent survey found that more than half of all Grafton Hill residents admitted they routinely drive to a Panera location in a neighboring town instead of simply walking down the block to Callahan's, 72 percent claimed they would prefer being alerted of their order's completion by a vibrating pager than by that one kind-faced woman who calls everyone "sweetheart," and four out of five said they "didn't give a shit" whether the ingredients in their panini were locally sourced.

Additionally, respondents unanimously agreed that, deep down, they didn't really care whether their food was prepared in a microwave or a 100-year-old brick oven so long as they could get their meal quickly, eat it in peace, and get on with their day.

"I don't want them remembering what I had yesterday—I don't want them to remember me at all," 46-year-old Colin Cady said. "Just give me the goddamn half-sandwich-and-cup-of-soup special and don't refer to it as 'the usual.' No good-natured joking around, no asking how my kids are doing, no offering me a complimentary jar of homemade fruit preserves—none of that shit."

Many customers derided the artisanal bakery's half dozen small wooden tables hand-built by the owner's father, stating they'd give anything to sit in a real fucking booth for a change, preferably as far away from other patrons as possible. Most also agreed the shop's mismatched glasses and mugs were "just plain awful," stating they would much prefer generic cardboard beverage cups with regular plastic lids so they could just grab their drink and get the fuck out of there.

"I don't want to think about how someone at Callahan's woke up at 3 a.m. to make all the pastries from scratch," said April Frye, 53, claiming the owners' heartbreakingly sincere utterances of "thank you" and "please come again" never fail to make her feel guilty. "I'd like to be able to buy a cappuccino and not have to worry about whether I'm being grateful enough for all the hard work they obvi­ously put into it. You have no idea how many unwanted loaves of bread I've bought simply because I felt compelled to support a local business."

Added Frye, "God, I hope a Panera comes in and absolutely buries that quaint little place."
While most residents echoed Frye's sentiments, not everyone in the neighborhood agreed the existing establishment could be so easily unseated by a corporate rival.

"We've been a part of the community for decades, so we're not too worried about competition," said owner Alfred Callahan, Jr., 66, explaining he was proud to have built personal relationships with his patrons over the years. "We may not be too fancy, but everything we make here is traditionally prepared, and we like to think of our customers as part of the Callahan family."
"We truly care about everyone who walks through that door," Callahan added. "That's what sets us apart."

Ritalin Cures Next Picasso

WORCESTER, MA—Area 7-year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced Monday. "After years of failed attempts to stop Douglas' uncontrollable bouts of self-expression, we have finally found success with Ritalin," Dr. Irwin Schraeger said. "For the first time in his life, Douglas can actually sit down and not think about lots of things at once." Castellano's parents reported that the cured child no longer tries to draw on everything in sight, calming down enough to show an interest in television.

Phew!

Medical Marijuana + Obama phones reelected = JOB CREATION SOLVED!!!!

Petty the Fool

Over Budget = Overzealous

One person's disorderly conduct requires 4 cruisers, 1 Paddywagon, and 9 Police Officers when you live in Worstever, Massachusetts - a place where cops get paid more than business owners, lawyers, teachers, and all other non-abusive professions.



I just found out this person suffered a serious beating by the police.  The bogus report indicates that the defendant was kicking and punching and resisting arrest.

However, in truth - as anyone in the neighborhood can attest, the defendant continuously repeated,        
     "Take a picture of me, I am cooperating. I am not resiting.  They are gonna break my arm!  I am not resisting!  Take a picture of my face, before they put me in the van!  I am not resisting!"

Unfortunately, by the time the person went to get the video camera, most of that dialogue was over with and all they were able to capture is the 20 seconds you see here in this video.

Now Who Will Buy My Postcards?

I am saddened to hear that Kenda the Bear has been put out of her misery just before I was able to get these postcards to market at fArt in the Street this fall.

I'm sure Kenda is looking over all of us Wussies that once stuffed our faces with popcorn and peanuts as we sat watching her pace back and forth eternally in her personal 20 square feet of hell. No doubt she is up there on her heavenly cloud - proud and relieved to finally have made it out of the Worst.

Good for her! Now, if only my handlers would euthanize me...



In her honor, neighboring North High School, whose long-time school mascot has been a Polar Bear - will be changing the team name to the Ted Kennedy Rapists, after Massachusetts' most acquitted senator and organized crime kingpin. I'm looking forward to the next football season, as I've really quite missed seeing the phrase Ted Kennedy High in the news.

South High better watch their asses this season! I smell a lotta drunken rapin' bout to go down

This Is Worcester Massachusetts

As posted here: http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/worcester-area/12004413977856/gunshots-heard-at-worcester-little-league-field/

WORCESTER, Mass. -- Worcester residents are upset after gunshots were heard near a busy little league field.

It was pure chaos that erupted when shots rang out, according to the president of the Tom Ash Little League.

He says about 100 kids crammed into the snack shack, the bathrooms and the equipment room.

“Down on the floor and close the door and don’t come out until we come back,” said the vice president of the league.

That’s what the vice president of the league told the kids to do.

“They’re crying, they’re yelling…half of them were in there without their parents,” said the vice president of the league.

The games had just finished up. Kids were playing T-ball, baseball and softball. There were girls and boys between the ages of five and twelve.

The vice president of the league says he saw two older kids at the basketball court, who he says were suspicious. He says he is convinced that they were behind the shooting.

“They were going to do what they were going to do and I don’t think anybody was gonna get in their way,” said the vice president of the league.

Police say they were able to locate one person who they believe was the target.

“We were able to make a motor vehicle stop of the potential victim in this incident and he denied all involvement,” said an official.

But investigators say they are not buying it, and they say the person continues to be uncooperative.

“We volunteer to do this, we volunteer to help the kids and that’s not what we signed up for,” said the vice president of the league.

Officials say there has been an increase in violence in Worcester, and in response there will be more paroles on the streets beginning June 1st. But until that happens, there will be no more games played on that field.

(Copyright (c) 2011 Sunbeam Television Corp. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.)

Read more: http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/worcester-area/12004413977856/gunshots-heard-at-worcester-little-league-field/#ixzz1NW6ghAms